exercise & self esteem (or lack thereof)

I decided to try and get in better shape a few months ago after receiving the news that I may be put on medication for my type 2 diabetes. My boyfriend decided to join me since he could stand a lose a couple pounds (his words not mine) and wanted to be more active. We went to the Anytime Fitness downtown about 2 weeks ago and signed up for a membership. So far it’s been going pretty good except for one thing. I’ve always had self esteem issues. I could list any number of reasons why my self esteem isn’t as good as it should be. My dad was emotionally abusive, I had some crappy friendships, I don’t always like how I look, I care too much about what people think etc. But all of them seem to circle back to me just not being confident enough. Only I can change that. Sure my friends and my boyfriend can help by saying nice things but that only goes so far.

It’s only been about a week since we started going to the gym and occasionally walking around Gray’s Lake (a local park near my house,) but I feel like the idea of bettering myself has brought up feelings I’d rather not think about. Eating right and getting in shape are the easy part. It’s the mental part that’s hard. The self doubt and the what-ifs that get in the way. What if this doesn’t keep me from being put on medication? What happens if I cheat a little too much? What if I don’t want to work out today? What if this doesn’t work?

Where to go from here? I have plenty of support, so that’s not an issue. I suppose the thing to do is to stop being so negative. I’m not a fan of all the positive mantra stuff but I can see the point. If you look in the mirror every day and tell yourself, yes I’m worth it. Yes I can eat better and get in shape. Yes I can stay off medication (but it’s not the end of the world if I don’t.) Then maybe I’ll start to believe it. I do have some self confidence, it’s just a matter of letting myself think things will work out. That it’s okay to mess up every once while. That being happy and healthy is a thing that exists (and it’s doable.)

Now I’m going to get a little preachy here. If you don’t want any life lessons or tips then stop reading, otherwise carry on. If you want to better yourself in any way (be it physically, mentally or whatever) go for it. If you’re worried about what people think, tell yourself it doesn’t matter. If you don’t know if you can do that find a friend, relative or significant other who will. If I can say hey, this isn’t so bad and yes, I will always care what others think but that matters a little less today then I bet you can too.



Published by: saiyafm5

I like to read books, watch TV and movies, am obsessed with anime, manga and the show Supernatural. During the day I work at an immigration law firm, at night I try to do some writing and generally nerd out on all the comic books shows on TV.

1 Comment

One thought on “exercise & self esteem (or lack thereof)”

  1. Heidi, you are doing the right thing just don’t jump into it with both feet and all the rest of your body at once. Ease yourself into all that healthy stuff and you’ll stick with it. And, please, please, don’t beat yourself up when you fall off the wagon now and then. It’s OK, you’ll get back on and continue your ride. My doctor told me that if I fall off once a week she’s Ok with this as long as I keep on trucking. Even if you need medication, it’s not the end of the world. You’ll probably get a low dose of Metformin and it will be a looooooong time, if ever, before you might need insulin. Hang in there, you can always call me if you need to bounce something off of someone not family.


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